I was at one of my best girlfriends house and we were role playing and praying about the different scenarios, dynamics and potential outcomes. We were feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Let me first disclose that we are both "the glass if definitely half FULL" kind of girls, and I guess I would add a bit free-spirited. It is very possible we were hippies back in the 60's, who have come back to spread happy glitter to everyone me meet.
Anyway...I was definitely apprehensive, but we both knew that God had this and that he already knew the outcome. We were almost high school giddy like you know what I mean? At one point Laura says, "You are just going to feel so awesome after it is done tomorrow. Like you are flying!" I agreed and added that I envisioned it being like a bungee jump, where once I stepped off the ledge it was going to feel amazing and free.
You see, John found out he got into UND on his birthday, Jan 28th. So, I have now known we would be leaving Houston for 7 months. Do you have any idea how long that is to hold something in? Yes, I had given work a pre-cursor of what was possibly to come in March, but having to live with it for that long was just awful for someone who wears their emotions and actions on their sleeve! But, ya gotta keep the bonus...So, fast forward to arriving back in North Dakota the day after giving my notice conversation in Houston. I land at the Grand Forks airport (the whole family had been here for a week already without me) and I was doing, what felt like the walk of shame. That was it...I had no return ticket to Houston, my friends, breakfast tacos nor the city life I had always dreamed of as a kid. My job was in limbo, John was already 2 weeks into law school and the kids were getting into a routine in their new school. Me...I had NO idea what the outcome was going to be. SAHM, corp. business women working remotely, get a small HR job in Grand Forks, start up the consulting business, etc. etc. NO IDEA! Quick...can I go back to the top of the bungee jump!?!?! I need a DO OVER! I think the cord just broke.
That wonderful feeling Laura and I thought I was going to have...NO WHERE IN SIGHT! If this is what flying felt like...ground me immediately! John was frustrated with me because of how my conversations had gone. The kids were whining, acting like normal 4 and 3 year olds who had not seen their mother for a week, and to top it off, John was having back trouble so he didn't even help me with my luggage nor get out of the truck. (Texas gentlemen...can you imagine!?!?!) ;-) I guess I was expecting my prince to scoop me off the ground, thank me for giving up my professional career, and welcome me home...NOT SO MUCH!
I got in, closed the door and just started to ball. Of course observant Clark asks from the back seat, "Mommy, do you have tears?" I wanted to scream...yes, I have tears. We just left great jobs, the army of people who helped us run our lives and the most amazing friends, churches and school...but of course I didn't. Have you ever had that really bad belly flop from the HIGH board? The kind where you not only smack your stomach, but the side of your face too. Everything about this felt so very wrong. It was as if my belly flop was now sinking further and further into the deep, dark depths and I couldn't breath.
Have you ever moved forward with what you thought God was asking or leading you to do, and you envision this wonderful outcome but it totally flops? Maybe you finally schedule that date night, and all you both can muster for conversation is an argument. Maybe you pick the kids up early to have some fun and they just fight the entire time. Maybe you finally tried the salmon to help the diet and got food poisoning. Whatever your daily LEAPS OF FAITH are...hang in there. Because just as you can look back and see the ones which did not work out...there are equally those that you can say, boy I am so glad I took that LEAP, can you imagine if we wouldn't have done x back in 1998, or y in 2005. Or you realize there was a terrible accident on I-10 during the normal time you would have been driving home with the kids. Please take a moment to think about what some of those are...
Luckily the stinging is beginning to fade a bit...At least I am not crying EVERY SINGLE day like the first 6 months of our marriage! We moved to Texas 3 weeks after getting married to attend Baylor University. You already know how grateful I am for Baylor, so that LEAP OF FAITH turned out!!
Well, the last bit I can add for today is hang in there. This belly flop will one day turn into a great beautiful synchronized dive. So, carry on and to Laura one of my besties...cheers to all of our past, current and future belly flops! At least we are laugh/crying through them!
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